Lori Alexander is confidant she has all the answers as to why men don’t want children or more children. I can sum it up for you with this statement – “it’s the woman’s fault”.
Women will frequently write me and tell me that they want more children but their husband do not. I have some ideas why men may not want more children. First of all, many wives put their children above their husbands once they have children. They co-sleep with them even if their husbands don’t want this. The women give all of their time and energy to their children and have little to no time left for their husbands. They forget that they were first created to be their husbands’ help meet.
I have some ideas too. Given my ex was one of these men, I have some actual experience. I was in the height of my fundy mindset when I had my first child and I absolutely put my husband first above the baby. I went out of my way to make sure he didn’t have to lift a finger. None of this prevented him from deciding he didn’t want more kids. Even doing the bare minimum amount of work like watching the baby while I showered or while I ran to the store was just too much for him to handle. I had to be with the baby 24/7, neglecting my own basic needs, so he wouldn’t be bothered. Besides that when a baby is crying for food or just because of colic, you can’t just ignore those cries, put on a movie and snuggle up on the couch and put your husband first. A baby and small children are demanding. A confident man isn’t bothered when you put his child first. In fact, some even find it a turn on.
Secondly, they expect their husbands to help with housework and the children after their husbands get home from a long day at work. They expect their husbands to get up in the middle of the night to change their babies’ diapers. They have a “to do” list waiting for them so children become a burden for the husbands. Their lives are already full of working and trying to make a living for their families, then they come home and have to work more.
Yes, some women expect their men to help after a “long day” at work, because guess what? A woman had a long day at work too! And I don’t necessarily mean in the work place. Any SAHM also has a long day of work in the home. She has probably changed 20 diapers, kept the house as clean as possible which means bending over hundreds if not thousands of time, ran several loads of laundry, prepared meals (and they better be tasty and healthy), homeschool, run errands (groceries, appts). The myth that women just sit at home all day leisurely playing with their kids, not tiring themselves out with their own pile of work, is one of the biggest lies out there. A lie that is promoted heavily by the godly ladies. Fathers are not babysitters. Yet it is so common to see men disgusted that they might have to take care of or watch their own child from time to time so mom can have a break from her “long day” at work.
I especially take issue with the crazy idea that men should change a few diapers at night. Why not?! Why is her sleep less valuable than a man’s? Just because he goes off to work with an employer means his sleep is more valuable. Never mind the hard fact that she is home with little kids all day and the safety of their lives rests solely with her. If she isn’t getting good sleep, she isn’t going to be as alert and all it takes is a minor distraction on the road for an accident to happen; or simply for her to space out at home and forget the toddler is playing alone in his room and next thing you know he is climbing the bookshelf. There are consequences for a woman not getting good sleep too. Far dire consequences.
Yes, sometimes women have a “to do” list because in fundy world you are taught not everything around the house is a feminine duty or something a woman has the physical strength to handle. Sometimes it takes the hands of two adults to accomplish something. If he is going to be part of the family he has to do a lot more than simply provide a paycheck. Women do a lot more than push out babies. If people like Lori keep devaluing men in this way, more and more women are just going to skip marriage and do it all on their own. They essentially are already doing this, lest they disturb the almighty, fragile husband who must be protected and sheltered after his “long day at work”.
And God forbid a man come home and have to work more! He is the stronger sex, right? Can he seriously not handle this? Yet women are the weaker sex and we work 15 hours straight around the house and then still have to get up in the middle of the night for feedings and diapers. Yet, men will moan about their 40-50 hour work weeks. I’ve done the math before– I spend about 70 hours a weeks of direct one on one care with my toddler (and that is the conservative estimate).
Thirdly, the wives don’t discipline their children to make them enjoyable for their husbands to be around them. They don’t teach them to not yell in the house, to not fight with their siblings, and the children don’t obey. The husbands don’t enjoy their children since their wives make little to no effort to discipline and train them while they are home all day with them. Wives are with the children much more than their husbands so most of the discipline and training needs to be done by them.
There are some young mothers that I know whose husbands want a lot of children. These women take joy in their role as wife and mother. Their husbands come first and the wives make sure their husbands’ needs are being met. They honor their husbands’ wishes and try to please them. They don’t expect their husbands to do a lot of the child raising nor help much with housework since they know they are the ones who are called to be keepers at home. When the wives need to go somewhere and ask the husbands to watch the children for a few hours, the husbands don’t mind at all because the children are well-behaved and a joy to be around. The wives who are intentional about training their children have made having more children desirable to their husbands.
A man should be able and agreeable to watch his children even when they aren’t a pleasure to be around. That is a part of parenting they both signed up for. If they can’t stomach a child having an outburst here and there, they have no business being dads in the first place. Even the most disciplined child isn’t going to be perfect all the time. They are children, not robots. The more and more I read this type of stuff, the more I am convinced that women are the stronger sex. We manage and juggle hundreds of things during the day, we wrangle lions (toddlers), yet men go off to their cushy office job (most of them) where they are off their feet, but then can’t bother to lift a finger when they get home.
Husbands who work hard to provide for their families carry a heavy burden. Yes, being a mother is difficult, too, but a mother at home gets to set her own schedule. She can train her children to help her as they get older. If she doesn’t feel good, she can rest on the couch and watch the children. Her days are full of variety with cleaning, cooking, training, teaching, shopping, going to the park, taking naps, and whatever else she decides to do. Plus, the children grow up and her life gets easier but her husband must bear the responsibility of providing for the family for many more years.
And women who are home all day keeping several precious lives safe is not a heavy burden? Enough!! Both men and women carry a burden, they both work hard. Lori tries to acknowledge that women work hard at home too but she still has to make men look like they suffer more. Its simply is not true that a woman can set her own schedule. Your babies and toddlers dictate your schedule with their feedings, naps and meltdowns. You might think you can go to your store when you want only to get there for the toddler to scream over something and you promptly leave. Lori would probably just spank the toddler in public and move on, but the average women A) doesn’t believe in spanking (because it often doesn’t work) or B) are scared to death CPS will be called on them if they do that in public. Again, it would be the woman’s fault that she couldn’t accomplish her shopping trip. “Just beat that kid harder until you can do what you want, when you want, and can have a life of leisure!”. That is the message they send out.
And ha! Sure she can just rest on the couch if she doesn’t feel good. I can hear you all laughing. Oh and such variety! Cleaning and cooking every single day, 365 days a year! “Gee, cleaning the toilet this morning is just so different than how I did it yesterday. This time I am going in a counterclockwise motion instead of clockwise—this is so exciting!”
Children growing up and a woman’s life getting easier does nothing to ease the burden when the kids are small. I hate empty platitudes of “it will get better someday”. She says men have to continue on working even when the children are older and easier. This may be true, but here is a crazy idea–how about the woman get a job to lessen his burden? She can slowly help him then ease into retirement, but that would make too much sense. This burden they place on men is entirely self-created.
When husbands are the providers and wives are the keepers at home, each one knows their roles and things run along smoother. Life is better for both when they don’t have to bear the burden of the other’s role. Yes, there may be some circumstances when the one needs the other to help in their role (such as during sickness or injury) but other than these, it’s best to find contentment in the role the Lord has given to you and depend upon His strength to accomplish what He has called you to do.
No, nope and no! I’ve lived it and experienced it. I did everything in fundy textbook fashion and it doesn’t prevent some men from simply not wanting kids. They want free time as much as some women do. Even if the kids are all well behaved and even if the man doesn’t have to lift one finger–there are still many things in life you can’t do with children. For example, you still have to get a babysitter and afford that babysitter if you want to do a simple weekend vacation alone.
No, life is better when you share the burden of each other’s role. The bible even says we are to share burdens. Life is better when you are a team player! Rather than each person living in a corner with their nose in air proclaiming “women’s work is beneath me” or that “a woman doing man’s work isn’t biblical”.
Some men don’t want children because they don’t want children. Period. They don’t have to give a list of reasons why and godly ladies don’t have to come up with a list of reason’s why its a woman’s fault.
I thought men were allowed to have preferences? Wasn’t that the big moral lesson of Lori’s “Men Prefer Debt, Free, Virgins” post? So, maybe — just maybe– men also have a preference to not have children and it has nothing to do with women.
Things Godly Women Say 
I have 2 kids. I would have liked to have one or two more but it just didn’t turn out like that.
I think once you have your first kid, you start having opinions about the pros and cons of having more. My daughter had a period when she first started school where she need a lot of extra attention to keep her from not falling behind. When my son was little just a cold would turn into a huge affair and he needed lots of TLC. I think experiences like often influence future choices.
More kids =more chaos. More $, more doctor’s appointments, etc. More time spent taking care of their needs. One of our kids has glasses and both of them have braces.
There are so many variables. Lori says not to put your children before your husband but in terms of time when they are young and dependent it doesn’t work out like that. If it is the middle of the night and your young son is wheezing and needs to go to the ER, then the husband’s needs come second. The more kids you have, the greater potential that mom is addressing the kids’ needs first. One would think that would be common sense.
Much of Lori thinks of as misbehaving and a spankable offense is just normal child development. I remember there was a debate on her old blog about spanking a child less than a year old for trying to crawl up the stairs. She would talk about spanking them with plumbing line or twigs…really bizarre stuff.
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